Whenever I went trick or treating as a kid my favorite house was the one that handed out pretzels. Or juice boxes. AKA the house that every other kid in the neighborhood hated. I discovered at a young age that Halloween is not my holiday.
To understand my dislike of the spookiest of holidays you have to understand that my tolerance of scary things is at level Scooby-Doo. I’m not kidding, there are some episodes I have to watch with the lights on. That creeper was aptly named… So needless to say wandering outside only to turn around and see a masked someone with some sort of asthmatic issue gasping over you with a scythe in hand was never my idea of a good time. Ghosts, zombies, wolf men, clowns, blood, graveyards, giant spiders: don’t need ‘em.
I think the other issue I’ve always had is I never really cared much about the whole trick or treating thing- I just wanted to run around in my costume with my friends. When I was out trick or treating I had to duck my head past most of the houses, and if there was any sight of a “scarecrow” sitting on a bench with the bowl of candy in its lap I turned right back down the driveway. My favorite part about getting out and getting candy had nothing to do with the candy itself, but sorting it into organized piles at the end of the night.
Retrospectively I understand I was not exactly a normal child.
Dressing up is really the only part of Halloween that I enjoy. I seize any occasion to dress up and I love a good costume party. I was always the kid that totally overdid spirit days at school, and I love seeing people’s creativity, or how they transform their ideas to costume. That is, unless that creativity takes the form of a creepy serial killer. How are you supposed to know they’re not actually a serial killer? I also don’t care much for using it as an excuse to wear your undergarments as a substitute for clothing, but you know to each their own- if that’s how you express yourself, express away.
And this year to make matters even worse there’s the whole terrifying clown epidemic. If I wasn’t holed up inside watching “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” tonight and saw someone dressed as a killer clown out and about, I would most likely do one of the following:
- Call 911
- Run away screaming in what would under normal circumstances be deemed completely unreasonable, but under the threat of a potential creepy clown be totally warranted
- Attack first and ask questions later
I could go on citing several more reasons as to why this takes the top spot on my list of worst holidays (the candy wrapper litter lining the streets on November 1st, the notion that wetting your pants in terror is a fun activity, the lack of quality Halloween songs- expect for “monster mash” which I’ve been listening to on repeat the entire duration of my writing this) but I don’t want to get too wrapped up in negativity, however warranted it may be. However I will make one last comment on one of the most deplorable aspects of Halloween: candy corn. Come on candy corn, it’s time to choose- either be candy or be corn. You can’t be both.